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Harrison Carpenter Engholm

Created by Ginny Engholm

Harrison Carpenter Engholm

Harrison, our stolen child, our firstborn, was stillborn on November 13, 2009 at 22 weeks. There's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him and miss him. Sometimes even now, the pain of his loss overwhelms me.

I take comfort in small things--that his sister and brother will know that he existed, that pictures of him hang in our home, that we remember him and keep him close in our hearts, the memory of how he smelled, how he felt when I held him, his soft, warm skin, the little outfit I dressed him in.

And I take comfort in writing about him and sharing his story. It's important to me to tell his story, to say, you existed. You are loved. You matter. So much of the pain of babyloss comes from the silence, the way people want to pretend that our losses didn't happen or don't matter because "we could just have other children" or because "at least we didn't get to know them."

Even after years have passed, I still want to shout from the rooftops that he lived, he died, and he was as loved as any baby ever has been.

I post this poem every year on his birthday on Facebook. I post nothing else. Just the poem. It is the truest statement I know. I carry him with me. Always.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e e cummings

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